that's an acceptable place to lick
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
