So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Randomize
