The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she looked like the before picture.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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