someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
