Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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