If i could tip my vagina, i would.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
