Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
