Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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