I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
