He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
