im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
