Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The beer is more important than you right now.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
