I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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