I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
