2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
