he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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