Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize