I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize