I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize