When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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