It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And my parents said I crawled through the house
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