i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
