For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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