Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
