so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
