so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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