Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
