i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
