i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
