How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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