Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
