Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
is it fun? or sober?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
