This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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