This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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