rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize