U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Is Oprah even human
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
