Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
