I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
