A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
