i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
