I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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