Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
