At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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