I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
