The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
