I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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