The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
