wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
