the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
