My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
