if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
