U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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