Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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