So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
