Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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