Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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