I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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