I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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