if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
