I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
