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Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
