Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
