I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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