Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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