Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
