Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
