good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
