I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
