I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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