soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
