two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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