I just cut my nipple shaving
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
